"I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself."
Spoken by Maya Angelo yet settling deep within my own heart, this quote is one that I believe resounds throughout the entire human race. We are born with a natural desire to find, make,
build a home where we not only feel comfort but safety, love and warmth, acceptance and growth. We want a place that we recognize; a place that we could travel with our eyes closed. A place filled with memories and where the remnants of laughter and tears echo off every wall and street corner. We want to be able to drive with friends and point out the spot where we graduated high school, our favorite Sunday afternoon ice cream shop, and the historical landmarks which make us proud to be a resident there. A home grows from being the place you lay your head at night in to a community of neighbors, buildings, street signs, and history that web together and cradle your soul. It's the place you long for when you've been gone far too long. It's the place you never wish to leave.
Three years ago when my family moved to Virginia from my born-and-raised state of Massachusetts I was completely unaware of how strongly this transplant would leave me longing for the home I no longer had. At the time I had no strong connection to the northern state other than a deep pride for my Boston sports teams, my characteristic masshole driving, and use of the word "wicked". I lost touch with most of my high school friends and was completely absorbed in my college life. That was home to me: the beautiful and frigid state of Maine where I learned who God and myself really were. I didn't think leaving MA would be difficult. In fact, I thought it would be easy and quite exciting. Never did I imagined that that first summer I spent in Virginia would be the most difficult and depressing summer of my life.
I guess you could say I truly learned the meaning of the all too common saying "you never know what you have until it's gone." For the first time in my life I was in a place where I felt no connection. I knew no one besides my wonderful family and a single friend stationed twenty minutes away from the house. The only place I could drive to was the supermarket and that was only because it was located right across from our neighborhood. Back roads and alternative routes home were no longer an option; I simply did not know the streets and often found myself lost, confused, and struggling to find my direction. Our new house was huge and beautiful, but the three story lodge lacked all those little things that made a house a home: the smell that was
our smell (you all know what I mean. I'm sure so many of you could walk in to your home blindfolded and know exactly where you were just by the scent); the little scratches and dings in the wall that made mom mad when it happened but always caused a chuckle when you'd pass it in the hall later on (remember that time HJ fell head first in to the wall and papa had to patch it up? I still laugh thinking about it!); the familiarity of where everything is where everything should go.
Now don't get me wrong, there were some wonderful things that came out of that summer. My relationship with my cousins, our neighbors by a couple miles, grew and I can truly say I have never been closer to Nicole than I was that summer. I loved our weekly ice cream and mall runs and I owe it to her that I didn't go completely crazy those few months. I had the opportunity to explore and learn about the capitol of the United States and the deep history that ran through every street. I learned how to be independent in a place where I felt so alone and took the time to read and indulge in pleasures I never had the time for before. It was a summer of blessings that I failed to see until I took the time to look back and thank God for His mercies.
Things began to change over the course of the next couple years. I returned to Virginia for school breaks and holidays and as each time passed I would enjoy the time a little more. I became more familiar with the surrounding and more involved in my parents church. I learned the street names was blessed to meet a wonderful man in the area that made coming back a bit easier too. It was nice to know that things were starting to change, but as much as I was looking forward to life after college I wasn't so sure about leaving the home and school I did know and returning full time to the place that caused me so much grief just a couple summers prior. I was afraid of diving in to what felt like shallow waters. Now, almost a year later, things have improved to a point where I can no longer say "this doesn't feel like home." I've learned my way around and have successfully learned multiple routes home when I'm stuck in the much too often traffic that has made D.C. famous. I've picked up a slight southern accent when saying certain words and particularly when surrounded by certain people (*cough cough* the Pinckneys *cough cough*), and have even added the word "ya'll" to my mental dictionary. I've grown wonderfully closer to my family as we spend nearly every holiday, birthday, church morning, and random outings together and have had the opportunity to watch my little brother finish senior year and some beautiful little children grow and mature. It's been wonderful this past year and the comforting feeling of a home has been built around this place, yet it still seemed to lack permanence. Graym and I often talked about our future plans and the hope of moving south to North Carolina or possibly even out west to Colorado within a few years. Everything was planned around our move and when we'd really be able to settle down and build our first home together. Virginia has surely become home but a temporary one indeed, and I couldn't wait to build our permanent foundation elsewhere...or so I thought.
It brings me such joy to say that for the first time in the three years that my address has held a Virginia zip code that I can actually picture myself building a home here. For the first time I'm actually
excited about that idea! Who knew that one day could make sure a whirlwind change?
To understand this change I must first share with you the latest adventure that Graym and I had embarked on: finding a home church. Soon after we got engaged we decided that we wanted to begin the process of finding a church we could settle and grow in over the next few years. We didn't want to be in Virginia forever, but we new it was important to receive spiritual nourishment from a bible based church during the few years we knew we'd be here. We began attending various churches for a few weeks at a time until we stumbled upon one that Graym really loved and connected with: Redeemer Church of Arlington, a church plant of Sovereign Grace Ministries. I find it really important to point out that
Graym really loved this church. As for me...well, I
liked it. It was a nice church with a great community that primarily consisted of young professional in their twenties and thirties that were either getting married, just got married, or just started a family. Bingo! Couldn't sound more perfect, right? But I was hesitant and intimidated for reasons I really couldn't put a finger on. Something felt so unsettling and I couldn't understand why.
Graym quickly decided after only a few weeks that he wanted this to be our home church. As my future husband, I trusted him in this decision and knew that he would only make this choice if he truly believed it would benefit both of us and lead us to a greater understanding of our God and our faith. Graym understands his role of leader and protector and greatly strives to be that for me everyday. I knew that he wouldn't place us somewhere that would cause us any harm or distress so I willingly accepted this church as our own. All I could do now was pray. I prayed in desperation, telling God that if this is the place that he wanted us to be that he would have to change my heart. I came to Him with honesty and openness, asking for understanding and a renewal of spirits. I wanted to love this church as much as Graym, but I knew the Lord would have to perform some major renovations within my heart. I prayed this often. I prayed this sincerely. I prayed this for what seemed like many, many weeks without an answer.
On Sunday, May 6th I received my answer. The church was having an after-service dinner for anyone who would like to attend (to clarify, church begins at 4:30pm on Sundays) and we had planned from the previous week we would go. Graym was excited to introduce me to the people he had met at his Thursday evening small group and on the Sundays that I hadn't gone, but I, on the other hand, was very anxious and not looking forward to eating dinner with people we didn't know in a church I didn't yet feel comfortable in. However, as soon as the service ended and the community made their way downstairs, the transformation began. Some wonderful couples introduced themselves to us and we spent much of the evening chatting. During dinner we sat at a table with two other pairs and hit it off, sharing part of our lives and stories with one another. I met some of the men and women who attend small group with Graym, including one of the pastors' wife, who were genuinely excited to meet the gal he spoke so much about and they quickly made me feel like a welcome part of the church community.
For the first time I wasn't in a hurry to leave. Conversation flowed easily, joy was truly felt, and connections were made. Unfortunately the did night did have to come to an end and as we got in the car, a smile spread across my face as I revealed to Graym everything I had been feeling over the past few months and the emotions that took over now. I was excited to be a part of that church and meet newlyweds that shared common interests as us. I was excited that they were excited to meet
me and wanted to welcome me into this place that they cared for so much. I was especially excited for the coming week when I would be able to say hello to the couples we met and chat before service instead of sitting quietly in a pew. I began to understand what I had been struggling with and the emotions I grappled with for so long, my need to feel accepted and recognized. I was now able to put that all behind me and look forward to the life we could live here. For the first time I could see Graym and I settling down and befriend these wonderful men and women we met. I could see us raising kids with the other newlyweds and being surrounded by the love of Christ in these families. I could see us happy and comfortable in an Arlington home where we'd invite people over for barbeques and birthday parties. I could see us settling in Virginia.
Whether we will actually remain long term in Virginia has yet to be determined. We both love the sate of North Carolina and believe that the slower paced and simpler lifestyle better suits us, but it's nice to finally feel like a home could be built right where we are. I am so grateful to God for the faithfulness, love, and grace he showed me that Sunday. He changed my heart in all the right ways. I'm also so thankful for Graym and that I have a man I can trust with big decisions regardless of how I feel about them, knowing that his choices will be in our best interest. I was truly blessed this weekend and know that I will continue to be in the Sundays to come.
Virginia. It's starting to feel like
home.
